“A magical, pan-sexual, non-threatening spokesthing.”
These words from an old Mr. Show episode, describing fictional corporate behemoth Globo-Chem’s proposed mascot “Pit-Pat,” came to mind when I saw the first renderings of “Hotty Toddy,” one of the three “final” choices in the new mascot selection process at Ole Miss. Hotty Toddy is a guy (I guess) in a grey bodystocking. Why it’s a grey bodystocking isn’t clear, but one must assume this creepy, unsettling, alien creature is supposed to be conspicuously neither white nor black. I figure he’s a freshman from Roswell, New Mexico, who goes everywhere in a nauseating cloud of Axe Body Spray.
Besides the Mr. Show parody of a benign corporate mascot, another television show starring Chevy Chase apparently lampooned the idea of mascots aimed at not offending persons of any race, via a grey bodystockinged mascot EXACTLY like what we are now presented as Hotty Toddy. Now, life imitates parody.
I should note that an on-the-field mascot is really for little kids, and to that extent, since we remain the Ole Miss Rebels, I ultimately don’t care too much about which cartoon character is wrestling with another school’s mascot at halftime. But won’t Hotty Toddy scare the crap out of little kids?
Oh, and speaking of Chevy Chase, when I began wondering who would have even voted for “Hotty & Toddy” in the first round of voting, and how they may be reacting now upon seeing the rendering, I think back to how Clark Griswold felt betrayed, angry and frustrated when he ordered the Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon, only to be stuck at the last minute with the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. If Hotty Toddy takes the field, I won’t be surprised if someone spray-paints “HONKY LIPS” on him.
This bizarre freak is sporting a headband and sunglasses, in what appears to be an attempt to make him cool or edgy. Kind of like on The Simpsons when Itchy & Scratchy introduced a “hip” dog, Poochie, with rad, gnarly shades and a backward cap, to try to add something “extreme.”
My dad always told me that you cannot polish a turd. This maxim applies even if the turd is a mysterious grey color that has you frantically dialing the doctor’s weekend help line. But in this case, the doctor doesn’t call back, and by Wednesday morning, your turd is all over the internet in his sunglasses, prancing and posing, embarrassing your school across the SEC. And that, of course, is when not just little kids but also their parents have to start caring about what the mascot is.
So, Hotty Toddy — a faceless mannequin made from clothes dryer lint trappings compressed in a mold — is the most controversial mascot option.
The other two choices include a “black bear” that is, in fact, brown and more resembles a Teddy bear. Not a quality Teddy bear, mind you, but rather one you might win at a carnival for shooting water into the clown’s mouth, if you weren’t accurate enough to take home the Insane Clown Posse mirror. Whatever its looks, it’s a bear, so it ranks in mascot creativity right up there with bulldogs and tigers.
The Land Shark is the third choice. I used to champion this, as it’s the only organically born choice, having been created by players. But it’s already become a little dated. Plus I hear the term “Land Shark” has negative, nasty connotations outside of Ole Miss football. According to a slang dictionary I checked, a Land Shark is “a pervert who shoots off fireworks in the middle of the day.” Still, I think it’s the best choice of these three.
Maybe it’s time to scrap these choices (like we did Rebel Bruiser and Rowdy Rebel several years ago), take a breath, and wait for the Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon to come in, instead of hastily sending a grey turd in gym shorts out onto the field — with dead Aunt Edna strapped to its back like the decomposing dignity of the mascot selection.
My solution? Remove Hotty Toddy from the choices and choose between the Land Shark and the Black Bear. Let’s get this overwith and move on.
Oh, well. I’ve got three other mascots of more concern to me in the next few weeks: an elephant, a hog and a war eagle.
Tad Wilkes is an Ole Miss alumnus living in Oxford.
