On this April 1st, more government please

• Top-down socialism hasn’t failed. It just needs to be applied with more adequate vigor.

By now, it should be obvious, even to the most stubborn among us, that the secret to lasting peace, prosperity, and human flourishing is simply “more government.”

Not a little more. Not a measured, thoughtful increase. No, what we need is a sweeping, confident, full-bodied expansion of government into every nook and cranny of American life. Because if there is one thing history has taught us, it is that government institutions are uniquely immune to the sorts of flaws that plague the rest of humanity. Those learned souls, those better angels, should be trusted to lord over us in rare benevolence.

Corruption? Not here. Don’t mention that Teapot Dome thing, when an administration sold secret oil leases for bribes. And Watergate. Cigars and dress specimens in the Oval Office. Iran contra. ABSCAM. Insider trading. Congressman William Jefferson’s $100,000 in the icebox. Senator Bob Menedez’s gold bars. And who can forget that lovable fibber George Santos? All woefully misunderstood do-gooders, maligned by an ungrateful public.

Waste? Impossible. Studying the mating habits of the African wombat is essential national security. $640 toilet seats are super nice. Inefficiency? A myth, likely spread by rogue private-sector propagandists.

Take, for example, the federal government’s long and unblemished record of flawless execution. From the smooth rollout of complex programs like Obamacare to tariffs vomited on the globe with all the carefulness of Gallagher’s sledge hammer, Washington has consistently demonstrated that it is staffed exclusively by the best and brightest. One need only look at the intellectual giants who have graced public office.

Who among us could forget Dan Quayle, who boldly corrected a child’s spelling of “potato” to ensure consistency in an English language well-known for it? Or Hank Johnson, whose concern that Guam might tip into the ocean if overpopulated revealed an understanding of how terra forma works that few of us could hope to match? Staring up at solar eclipses anyone? There’s a president for that.

These are not gaffes. They are glimpses into a higher plane of governance, where the English language, the fact that land doesn’t operate like a seesaw and the anatomy of the human retina are transcended.

And then there’s the matter of efficiency. Critics often claim that government programs are bloated, but this ignores a crucial point. Government spending can never be wasteful. It’s circulation. Every dollar spent on a redundant study, a decade-long infrastructure delay, or a procurement process requiring 238 signatures and a ceremonial ribbon-cutting is democracy’s way of sharing equity.

Contrast this with the private sector, where companies recklessly pursue “efficiency,” “innovation,” and “profit,” often delivering goods and services quickly and at lower cost. Frankly, it’s chaotic. Where is the paperwork? The oversight committee? The 600-page compliance manual?

If anything, the private sector could learn a thing or two about slowing down. They should try using computer software designed in the 1900s. Or if tasked with operating a liquor warehouse, change the software all at once, without testing, while simultaneously ripping out the conveyor belts that move the product. That’s sure to work.

Higher taxes are an obvious solution to nearly every problem, too. Roads need fixing? Raise taxes. Schools need funding? Raise taxes. Feeling generally uneasy about the future? Raise taxes again, just to be safe. There is a comforting simplicity in knowing that whatever the challenge, the answer can always be found on Line 37 of your tax return.

Since you know how hard you had to work to earn your paycheck, you’re too emotionally invested to decide how to spend it, anyway. Better to trust a bureaucrat that sees you and your kin for what you really are — the last four digits of your government-issued social security number.

Of course, the case for bigger government becomes even clearer when we examine global examples. Nations that have embraced centralized control over their economies have provided us with memorable lessons. From Soviet bread lines to Venezuelan currency collapses, these experiments have shown that when governments take full command, outcomes are never boring. And in a world that often feels stagnant, isn’t not knowing if you’ll have to eat a rat tonight a kind of progress?

Some will foolishly argue that individuals, markets, and communities have driven many of the most remarkable advancements in human history. Sure, the phone in your hand is more powerful than the computer that sent men to the moon, we can pluck your heart from your chest and replace it, and someone can deliver moo shoo pork to your doorstep in under 20 minutes. But weren’t things more fun when your idea of a good time was pinochle, you baked chicken into jerky every night, and you died in your forties? Be honest.

In truth, the path forward is clear. We must place our full faith in the government institutions that have never failed us, guided by leaders who have consistently demonstrated unparalleled wisdom, and funded by taxpayers who simply haven’t yet realized how much more they’re capable of giving.

Only then, when government is larger, taxes are higher and markets are more controlled, will we finally achieve the peace and prosperity that have so long eluded us.

It’s really quite obvious.